Single Mom

I have spent many hours at my computer writing family-focused blogs… If someone told me that one day I would be typing out the header ‘Single Mom…’

Well… I just wouldn’t believe them.

This post has taken me nearly two years to write. The story is complicated and lengthy…the ‘truth’ is ill-defined, as everyone has their own version of it. It can be a challenge to type my thoughts with confidence knowing it is open to the interpretation of the reader.

I could speak my truth until I’m blue, but ultimately, who does that serve? I thought many times it would serve me. I wanted to pound my grief and anger into the keyboard and hand it to anyone who could read. I wanted them to know my pain. I wanted them to know my frustration. I wanted them to know my fear. I wanted to be seen as I had never felt more alone. I knew it was ugly… I hated feeling ugly inside…but I hated the false pretenses too.

Even in light of those incredibly strong feelings, I always withheld from taking it all public. I kept waiting for it to feel right. I wanted the right words to come to me… for clicking ‘publish’ to feel right…for anything at all to feel right…but it never felt right…it was all so wrong… I didn’t want to have this story- it didn’t feel like it was even mine.

But I’m glad I waited. It wasn’t right to share…it wasn’t MINE to share. It’s ours. I knew that sending our story out as though it was a click-bait newsletter would be no better than throwing gasoline on a situation that was already ablaze. I knew that I did not want my kids coming across our story in that way; YEARS before they were of an age to know the details and come to terms with them. I did not want to encapsulate this grief and have it be a bitter pill they have to swallow someday after all the work done to protect them from it in the first place. I also knew that no amount of condolences or solidarity could lessen the crippling weight of this new reality.

Grief, bitterness, fear, anger; I’m unsure when it will ever fully subside. The impact of divorce stretches far beyond what anyone who’s never experienced it can imagine. From losses as small as a complete set of kitchen towels, holiday photos, and a favorite throw-back song…to the deep and irreplaceable losses, such as family, friends, precious time, peace, stability, and sense of self.

What is different now, and allows me to type this without spite, is ‘acceptance.’ I can speak objectively; what’s done is done. I can acknowledge this reality without feeling like the details matter. I don’t need to campaign for solidarity, sympathy, or understanding. I can ward off rude and insensitive comments from those who speak without a filter. I can curb the guilt and self-doubt when someone suggests there was a way to reach an alternative outcome and I just ‘missed it,’ or worse, ‘I didn’t try hard enough.’

We have all suffered in this. My heart hurts for all those involved just as much as it hurts for my younger self who believed ‘forever’ was something she could count on.

There have been many blessings walking down this road, and many times I have felt a sense of gratitude for the situation we are in, in light of the circumstances.

This post is simply the next step for me in the process of healing. I can now publicly acknowledge our circumstances at face value. The dust has more or less settled and the outcome of this divorce is now established. The kids are healthy, happy, and loved by everyone in their life. We are keeping the private matters private and appreciate your understanding as we navigate this new chapter.

Xx

Elyse