Rage Cage
Before jumping into this post, it’s important for me to note that I am not a medical professional nor do I have any credibility to diagnose or treat matters of maternal-mental health. I am sharing my own experience as a means of provoking awareness and conversation around an otherwise under-discussed topic; Postpartum Rage.
You did it! After many months of anticipation and the hard work of delivery, you have brought your baby earth-side…which means… you are now postpartum. When talking about the time that follows giving birth, the conversation around it can take two routes: there’s ‘being postpartum,’ and then there’s your ‘postpartum experience.’
In many ways, ‘being postpartum’ is looked at as if you had a broken leg at Disney. People can understand how it might be hard to navigate the park, use the restrooms, or that you might even be a little bit achy at the end of the day…. but you’re still AT DISNEY! The happiest place on Earth! Having your baby here is so magical your personal discomforts all but fade to the background...right?
Except, you’re not at Disney…and it’s not a broken leg wrapped up in a pretty little cast adorned with well-wishes from all your dearest friends. Maybe people think that way because it’s more pleasant to taste and far easier to digest…. but it’s not that simple. The first days/weeks/months spent with your newborn baby can be magical, no doubt, but that feeling of responsibility to “enjoy every moment” can swell into a blindspot; blocking your view from some major issues that need to be addressed.
During the time in which a woman is postpartum, her mind, body, and soul, are overwhelmed. Between processing/healing from the birth, caring for the new baby day and night, hormonal shifts as the pregnancy concludes (and perhaps breastfeeding has begun), acclimating to changes in appearance, frequent visitors, and shifts in the family dynamic… the list goes on and on. There are many threats to a woman’s sense of stability and safety. While she may consciously choose gratitude, her body will still believe and may even react as if it’s under attack. This disjoint between body and mind can create some major issues as time goes on….
insert: Postpartum Rage
The postpartum season after having my son was one of the lowest points in my life. Between job loss (and subsequent financial strain) moving communities, loss of friendship, and downsizing to one vehicle, I felt stuck and alone. My son was born at the end of October, so the seasons also played a major role in my inability to leave the house with my two under two. Each day I would wake up more tired than the day before. The home was never clean, my clothes didn’t fit my body, and my personal life completely halted. I was isolated and overwhelmed.
A month into my postpartum journey, I began to experience some unfamiliar feelings and behaviors. Small inconveniences would result in explosive reactions. Hearing my baby cry would make me irrationally angry. I felt the need to break things often and even indulged by punching pillows or ripping clothes that wouldn’t fit. With every fit of rage, I felt less like myself. It wasn’t me. Typically, my emotions are in check. They’re certainly not my first reaction or driving force…. yet here I was…an angry mother.
I started to feel like two people. There was the real me and then this lurking beast that could override my system at any time. During an episode, I would even consciously wish to calm down, knowing I was overreacting, yet I had no control over the escalation. I further isolated myself from others; burring my mental/emotional condition deep below the surface. It was a short-term solution to placate these episodes that were riddled with shame and guilt. Thoughts like “It won’t be this way forever,” would take over and invalidate the reality of my situation. The isolation only perpetuated the issue; a vicious cycle.
After months of battling my own body and mind in private, I finally began paying attention to my triggers. What time of day was I most susceptible to a fit of rage? Why? How do I curb it if I rarely see it coming? Then I began looking at the ‘why’ as a collective. This question caused me to ask myself: where do things go when our conscious refuses to process? The subconscious. Turns out, it is much harder to access and far more challenging to predict.
Something I’ve always told myself is that “emotions are information.” Under healthier circumstances, that mentality gives me an edge to problem solve rather than spiral when I’m feeling any type of negative emotion… however, at this point, I was not problem-solving; I was being negligent. I still believe emotions are information - a warning signal alerting to an issue…but that information can’t be deleted. The further down you push your emotions, the heavier you will feel. It will take a lot of work to dig them up and sort through the archives of what you have been carrying with you for so long. The beginning of my liberation was allowing myself to merge my two realities: I love my baby and I am deeply unhappy.
After doing some reading, I learned that anger/rage is NOT an emotion…it’s a symptom of other emotions/needs being unmet. This truly reshaped how I felt about my condition and eradicated so much of the guilt and shame surrounding my episodes. I wasn’t an angry mother, I was a good person who was struggling. My rage was an involuntary override in order for my subconscious to communicate with me. Once I acknowledged the rage as a message, I could take note and begin the work necessary for healing.
So how did I come to manage my rage? I must admit, I missed a major step which was consulting with my doctor. I realized much later on that rage can be directly linked to Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. I would encourage you to learn from my mistake and start a conversation with your doctor about your mental health and see what resources are available to you.
The personal steps I took to aid in my healing were:
Prioritizing things for myself.
This does not mean a shower or grocery shopping alone. I began to write, go for walks, see movies with my mom, make plans with friends... shopping for clothes that served my new body was major too. It was a simple way to feel united with my present body rather than haunted by my “before” body.
Have a regular eating schedule.
One of the biggest contributors to my rage was physical depletion. I prioritized fueling my body regularly and sleeping/resting whenever I could. I was able to link many low points to hunger and exhaustion. Tending to my physical needs was vital for mental stability.
Find a point person
I had a candid conversation with a friend about my struggles. I asked if she would be available to me if ever I needed to confide in someone over things big and small. Having a direct line for adult communication on these matters was a game-changer. It curbed the hesitation to reach out to someone and eradicated the feeling that I was unseen and unheard.
Lastly, forgiving myself.
This was probably the hardest step. I carried so much guilt over my actions and attitude towards my children; the ones I love most in this world. I remember thinking “Why am I like this? I don’t treat others this way. My babies are innocent and here I am lashing out in anger over the smallest things.” Once I accepted that my rage was not intentional or a reflection of my love but rather an involuntary symptom of depletion I was able to forgive myself and focus my energy on reclaiming my mental health.
Your ‘postpartum experience’ is not a separate matter from ‘being postpartum’ and I believe it’s incredibly dangerous to the coping mind to cleave the two. You are not alone in these struggles and there is acceptance and help out there for you.
xx
